(TW for graphic language)
Recently on Facebook I saw this posted in my feed:
I had to comment; a nerve had been hit. Rewriting my thoughts, I will say this:
Only men who feel a sense of sexual entitlement can rape. They cannot separate violence and sex. They are the men who cannot take “no” for an answer.
The term “nonconsensual sex” is a tame way of saying “rape.” We very much take for granted that we agree “sex” equals “consensual,” and – with the exception of kinksters – “non-violent.” Kinksters, on the other hand, would argue that violence can be consensual, desired and willingly engaged. Likewise, so do rapists – victims “are asking for it.”
Radical feminists focus a lot on rape and the reason is because it is excused away – whether it’s the “legitimate rape” claim of the conservative males or the “false rape accusations” claim – or even “rape isn’t that bad” claim – of liberal males. Rape is not only a, but the worst type of sexual violation that can happen to a female.
If females think about their times having sex with males they will, indubitably, remember instances where males violated them, whether they had ever been raped or not. “Not all males” is never a valid argument. Males, thanks to their brothers in porn, have normalized sexual violation, become desensitized to eroticized violence. They do not want to respect women’s boundaries because they do not respect women. As a result, rape ends up being the one thing anyone can agree is wrong.
It is not females’ fault if they do not immediately realize a sexual violation for what it is. Like the saying “hindsight is 20/20,” sometimes we don’t see the red flags when they are there. Either they seem so trivial or we are in a vulnerable position where we feel pressured to not speak up for fear of angering men, that we get the impression our needs and desires just aren’t important or pale in comparison to men’s pleasure. And because they are not violent the way a man would define it (that is, in a purely physical sense) we have been pressured into accepting it as tame by association. We cannot help but overlook or become numb to them, since we are brought up to be masochistic and willing to please others (read: males). Undoing this conditioning is not short or easy.
Here are some instances where women’s boundaries and/or women themselves are violated: When a man
– puts his hands or fingers anywhere a woman doesn’t want him to in her body, or without asking (i.e. the ass) or he keeps doing something even after he’s been told “no”; a situation of her engaging in sex with him to begin with does not mitigate this fact.
– pushes down on a woman’s head during oral sex, gagging her and possibly making her throat bleed.
– goes from anal sex to vaginal sex, causing her vaginitis.
– continues to ask for a certain sex act she has already refused, has doubts about, or wanted to wait until later to do so.
– does not take the proper steps beforehand such as using a condom (some will wear it and then take it off, or pretend to put one on), using lubricant or arousing her so she is wet enough.
– insists on receiving oral sex without a condom. He isn’t the one who has to worry about getting an STD in their throat.
– ejaculates on her. Hello, chlamydia of the eye? It’s a thing.
– harasses her for sex hoping she will eventually give in.
– bribes a woman for sex, even if she (for example) refused sex with him before or refused to be his girlfriend. Look up “financial coercion” if you don’t believe me. It is a form of duress; hence, consent in this case would be obtained under duress.
As you can see, many of the above cause physical pain or discomfort, a few cause disease and all of them emotional/psychological distress. Women are made to feel weak and powerless, because men desire their submission so they themselves can feel dominant, in control. I haven’t even gone into how men use emotional deception and manipulation to get women to have sex with them at all. So much for women being the sexually manipulative ones!
Wildis She I think practically every woman who has ever had sex with a man as experience a feeling of violation, a feeling of discomfort. The reason most women (my self included) don’t or can’t find a word that describes the experience is because that violation is the cultural depiction of sex.
In my experiences as a woman I’ve not met a single woman who hasn’t ever felt not violated at least once (but most often countless times) in their experience of “sex”.
I think the feeling of violation that are allowed any acknowledgement have to deviate from an already brutal norm. Meaning, a woman has to be brutalized and degraded to a point for anyone, even some feminists, to finally recognize any violation at all.
I wanted to include here some thoughts on the debate over “no means no” presented by feminists. Liberal males and apologist females counter with “no means no, but yes means yes.” They are in denial that so many grey areas exist, making sexual violation a spectrum and not a binary. Women have the right to change their mind at any time. Sex is not a contract, and women don’t owe men anything. Not that rape apologists care, nor do they worry about supporting rape. What they are really worried about is women seeing their predatory acts for what they are: a trap.